Asexual and Highly Sensitive: Understanding and Embracing Your Sensitivity
Highly sensitive people (HSP) are individuals who have a heightened sensitivity to external stimuli such as sound, light, and touch, as well as to their internal emotional experiences. Being highly sensitive can manifest in a variety of ways, including being more affected by environmental factors, having stronger emotional responses, and being more attuned to others' feelings.
For some HSPs, this sensitivity can manifest in a disinterest or lack of attraction to sexual experiences, also known as asexuality. Research shows that approximately 20% of the population is highly sensitive.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction or desire. It is estimated that around 1% of the population identifies as asexual, but the number of individuals who experience some degree of asexuality is likely higher. While asexuality is not a disorder or condition, asexual individuals may face challenges in a culture that places a high value on sexual activity and desire.
“It’s important to remember that asexuality is an umbrella term, and exists on a spectrum. Asexual people – also known as “Ace” or “Aces” – may have little interest in having sex, even though they desire emotionally intimate relationships. ”
Are Aces HSPs, or Vice-Versa?
Bringing the population estimates of HSPs and Aces together, we can estimate that 0.2% of the populate is HSP and Ace. However, it is reasonable to guess that there may be a greater population of HSPs in the asexual community. More research is needed in this area. Elaine Aron, the researcher that pioneered HSP research, conducted a survey on HSPs and sexuality that revealed areas where HSPs differed from the overall population:
Not being turned on by strong, explicit sexual cues
Genital touch being too intense or painful at times, even when aroused
Needing to stop sex due to being overwhelmed or overstimulated
Easily disturbed or distracted when considering sex
Not liking to have sex (for female HSPs)
An informal poll on Asexuality.org shows that 60% of the participants identify as asexual and highly sensitive. I would love to see more research on this subject matter, especially research that takes into account the asexuality spectrum and different types of HSPs (high-sensation seeking, introvert/extrovert).
Challenges of Being Asexual and Highly Sensitive
For highly sensitive people who are asexual, the experience of navigating a world that prioritizes sexual attraction can be particularly challenging. The pressure to conform to societal norms can lead to feelings of confusion, shame, or inadequacy. Some HSP asexual individuals may feel that their asexuality is a manifestation of their heightened sensitivity, which can lead to further feelings of alienation or self-doubt.
However, it is important to note that asexuality is a valid and normal variation in human sexuality, and that individuals who identify as asexual can have fulfilling and meaningful relationships and lives. For HSP asexual individuals, this may involve finding ways to prioritize and honor their sensitivity while navigating relationships and social expectations.
One aspect of being an HSP asexual individual that can be particularly challenging is negotiating intimacy in relationships. While asexual individuals may not experience sexual attraction or desire, they may still have emotional and relational needs that require intimacy and connection with others. HSP asexual individuals may find it difficult to balance their need for emotional intimacy and connection with others while also navigating the pressure to engage in sexual activities.
It is important for HSP asexual individuals to prioritize their own needs and boundaries in relationships, and to communicate these clearly with their partners. This may involve exploring alternative forms of intimacy, such as physical touch, emotional intimacy, or shared experiences. It can also involve finding partners who are supportive and understanding of asexuality and highly sensitivity. A therapist knowledgeable in asexuality and high sensitivity can help with these steps.
Finding an Ace-friendly, HSP-knowledgeable Therapist
Therapists who are knowledgeable about asexuality, aromanticism, and related identities can help reduce stress, improve quality of life, and facilitate self-discovery. There are therapists unfamiliar with these identities, issues, and needs, which can lead to misunderstandings, misdiagnoses, improper treatment, and a less-than-optimal therapeutic experience. As a result, it can be difficult for aces, especially those who are new to therapy, to find a therapist who understands and is attuned to their experiences and needs.
There are several online resources available to help you find an ace and asexual-friendly therapist. Some of the best online resources include the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), and local PFLAG chapters. You can also ask friends and family or members of your local or online ace and asexual community for recommendations on therapists.
Once you’ve identified a few therapists who are knowledgeable about asexuality and related issues, it’s time to reach out and start interviewing them. Many therapists offer a free consultation that can be done online or over the phone. Below are some questions we recommend asking during that initial consultation or via email ahead of time.
What is your experience working with asexual and/or aromantic clients?
What is your experience working with HSP clients?
What is your training and education related to asexuality?
What is are your areas of expertise / specialization?
What is your overall understanding of asexuality?
Of course, in addition to the questions above, you’ll want to make sure that you feel comfortable talking to the therapist and that the practical details (time, cost, place) meet your needs.
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