Debunking Myths About the "Right Way" to Have Sex: Advice From a Sex Therapist
It is important to recognize and understand and recognize the myths and misunderstandings associated with the “right way” to have sex. This is true for every person and even more so for highly sensitive people (HSP).
When my clients ask about the "right way" to have sex or express concerns about doing it "wrong," in sex therapy, I'm glad to address these myths. I often hear clients worry that they're weird, not normal, or disappointing to their partner. But let's keep it simple: there are only two important things to remember for the "right way". Make sure it's consensual and pleasurable for both people involved.
However, the idea of the "right way" to have sex is often influenced by movies, TV shows, pornography, and a lack of accurate sex education. We may think that a woman should always have loud, quick, and intense orgasms during sex. But that's not the case for most women. And thanks to TV dramas and soap operas, we might believe that everyone should always feel super excited and "horny." This can make us feel abnormal if our desire or arousal doesn't match that intensity. As a result, when it's time for a sexual encounter, we might feel anxious and doubt ourselves.
Letting Go of Self-Judgement and Anxiety
As you can imagine, sex becomes less enjoyable when we're full of anxiety. It's hard to focus on pleasure when we're worrying about what the other person thinks and can't be present in the moment. Believing in the "right way" to have sex and having unrealistic expectations about what makes it "successful" puts too much pressure on performance.
Different people may have different ideas of what makes sex good. How often it happens, how spontaneous it is, achieving an erection or orgasm, or adding romance. But when we focus too much on performing, we miss out on experiencing the pleasure of the moment.
That's why I encourage my clients, whether they're alone or with a partner, to embrace their own unique sexuality. Don’t try to fit into preconceived notions of sexiness. It's time to create your own blueprint. One that allows you to feel free, accepted, connected, and satisfied.
Sexuality and pleasure are important parts of being human. Our individuality shapes our desires, hopes, and fantasies, even in the bedroom.
Embracing Individuality and Sensitivity
Body awareness, intimacy, and comfort are essential for a pleasurable sexual experience. These are areas where people who are highly sensitive may struggle. It is key to remember that the “right way” is the right way for you and your partner. There is no one-size-fits-all model — it should look like whatever works for you and your partner.
The journey to sexual pleasure and freedom starts with understanding that each person and their partner have their own unique sexual experiences shaped by different things like biology, culture, religion, and personal experiences. Taking the time to learn about these influences helps us better understand and respect each other's likes and dislikes. It's about accepting that we're all different. And finding ways to enjoy sex that work for us individually.
5 Steps Toward Healthy Sexuality for Highly Sensitive People
First rule: throw away the rulebook. There are no exams to pass or fail. Performance should never be a measure of success.
Take the time to connect with your partner. Explore your bodies and desires, and express what you want and what you need.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions, be open to experimentation, and communicate any expectations or wishes clearly.
Follow what turns you on and makes you comfortable when it comes to sex. Empower each other to be honest, relax, and enjoy the sexual experience.
Finally, don’t forget to relax, enjoy the moment, and trust that it is the right way for you.
Above all knowing yourself is the most important aspect of finding the “right way” for yourself. This includes having an awareness of your sexual boundaries, arousal patterns, and overall comfort levels. Doing this work will create a safe and secure environment for both partners to explore, and set the stage for a more pleasurable experience.
HSPs and Touch
Highly sensitive people may feel more vulnerable during sex. So providing an environment in which they can feel respected, accepted, and safe can help foster a more intimate connection and a better quality of pleasure.
A 2022 study on “How the Sensitive Brain Processes Touch” revealed findings that can provide insight into how sensitive people can better approach sexual experiences. Highly sensitive people tend to feel sensations more intensely and may be overwhelmed by the physical and emotional intensity of sex.
Therefore, it is important for highly sensitive people to be aware of their own triggers and boundaries when it comes to sex. And to communicate these with their partners. Knowing and understanding their own sensory processing sensitivity can help with communication and provide an opportunity to explore sex in an emotionally safe and comfortable way.
In addition, highly sensitive people can use their increased sensitivity to their advantage, allowing them to explore sex in more creative and unique ways. They can use it to increase their connection to their partner. By exploring touch in a more mindful and sensitive way. They can also take their time to discover what turns them on and what touches they enjoy. Thus, allowing them to create a more pleasurable experience for both partners.
Sensitivity and Sexual Expression
As a highly sensitive person (HSP), your unique sensitivity extends to your individual and partnered sexuality. Individual sexuality for an HSP involves self-exploration and understanding your own desires, boundaries, and needs.
Guidelines for Enhancing Individual Sexuality for Sensitive People
Self-Awareness: Take time to explore your body, sensations, and desires. Pay attention to what feels pleasurable and comfortable to you. Recognize any triggers or sensitivities you may have, both physical and emotional.
Mindful Self-Care: Engage in self-care practices that promote relaxation and self-compassion. Prioritize activities that help you manage stress and reduce overstimulation. As they can positively impact your sexual well-being.
Sensory Environment: Create a sensory environment that supports your comfort and relaxation during sexual experiences. Pay attention to lighting, sounds, scents, and textures to ensure they align with your sensitivities and enhance your pleasure.
Boundaries and Communication: Clearly communicate your boundaries and desires to yourself. Understand what feels right for you. In terms of pace, intensity, and types of sexual experiences. Regularly reassess your boundaries as they may evolve over time.
Fantasies and Imagery: Explore your fantasies and engage in mental imagery that stimulates and arouses you. Allow yourself to fully embrace your unique desires without judgment or comparison to societal expectations.
Guidelines for Enhanced Partner Sexuality
Partnered sexuality involves navigating sexual experiences with a significant other, taking into account both your sensitivities and the dynamics of your relationship. Here are some considerations for fostering a healthy and satisfying sexual connection with your partner:
Open Communication: Establish open and honest communication with your partner about your sensitivities, desires, and boundaries. Share your unique needs and sensitivities regarding touch, pace, and intensity, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Emotional Connection: Prioritize emotional intimacy and connection within your sexual encounters. HSPs often thrive in environments where they feel emotionally safe and understood. Creating a space for vulnerability and emotional closeness can enhance your sexual experiences.
Sensate Focus: Engage in sensate focus exercises. Which involves exploring touch and sensual pleasure without a goal-oriented approach. This practice allows you and your partner to focus on the present moment, connecting intimately without pressure.
Non-Sexual Intimacy: Recognize that intimacy extends beyond sexual acts. Embrace non-sexual forms of intimacy, such as cuddling, gentle touch, and deep conversations. These forms of connection can be deeply fulfilling for HSPs and contribute to a sense of security and trust.
Mutual Exploration: Encourage a sense of curiosity and exploration in your sexual relationship. Discover together what feels pleasurable and comfortable for both you and your partner. Be open to trying new activities or techniques while maintaining respect for each other's boundaries.
Emotional Check-Ins: Regularly check in with each other emotionally to ensure both of you feel understood and supported. HSPs may require more frequent emotional reassurance and validation. Particularly in the context of sexual intimacy.
Consent and Pleasure as Key Ingredients
Overall, the “right way” to have sex is ultimately up to you and your partner. There are no universal rules or models about what a successful sexual experience looks like. What is important is that everyone involved is comfortable, consensual, and enjoying the experience. Sex can be a beautiful form of expression, connection, and pleasure. So don’t be afraid to explore and find what works for you.
Every person, even highly sensitive people, should feel empowered to build their own plan that aligns with their identity, needs, and desires. So let's end the myths and the fear of judgment around sex and start exploring our own unique paths to pleasure.
Ready to Start Sex Therapy in Atlanta, GA?
Are you an HSP struggling with your sexual well-being? Don't suffer in silence any longer. Take the first step towards a happier, healthier you by scheduling a sex therapy session at Healthy HSP. Our compassionate experts are here to support you on your journey to intimacy and fulfillment. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us to schedule your first appointment for sex therapy
Meet with one of our skilled HSP sexual therapists for your first session
Begin embracing your sexuality as an HSP and have sex in a healthy way!
Other Services Offered at Healthy HSP
At Healthy HSP, we want to help you thrive as a highly sensitive individual. So in addition to sex therapy to help you feel comfortable with sex, we also offer HSP Therapy to help you understand your highly sensitive traits and embrace your sensitivity and Online Therapy for Women in Tech for those who want to build confidence and achieve their professional goals. We also offer Specialized Coaching for Sensitive Individuals for those looking to find support with a skilled coach and achieve their personal and career goals as sensitive introverts. We are able to serve anyone online who lives in the state of Georgia, South Carolina, or Florida. To learn more about us check out our Blog and About Us!
